I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
