Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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