Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
