on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
