how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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