4 words: hood of his car
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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