I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
