I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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