I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
