Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
