i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
