I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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