I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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