shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
