Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Four minutes until I can fart!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
