I accidentally had phone sex last night
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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