i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
