My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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