sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
