so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
