i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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