i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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