It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
