I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
