I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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