Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
