At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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