tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
how does that bad decision feel?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
