i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sext me about skeletons
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
