This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
