allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
