Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
