You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
