you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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