There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
