cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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