Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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