Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
