if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
