i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
