I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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