I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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