the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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