My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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