cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
