btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
