It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
