dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
This gyro tastes like lonliness
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
