Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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