Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
