I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I cockslap morals
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
