I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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